Why our country is in trouble

Why our country is in trouble!

A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some
examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an
aisle seat so  that her hair wouldn't get messed up by
being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who
wanted to go to
Capetown. I started to Explain the length of the
flight and the passport information, then she
interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look
stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly
explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is
in Africa."Her response -
click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about
a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with
the vacation in
Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando
is in the middle of the state.
He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and
Florida is a very thin state!" (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is
it possible
to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said,
"But they look
so close on the map." (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked
if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the
reservation, I noticed
he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he
said, "I heard
Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to
drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She
needed to know how it was possible that her flight
from Detroit left at8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33
am.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of
Illinois, but she
couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she
bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines
put your
physical description on your bag so they know whose
luggage
belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a
tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm
overweight. I think
that's very rude!"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked
into it (I
was laughing). I came back and explained the city
code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal),
and the airline was just putting a destination tag on
her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip
package to
Hawaii. After going over ! all the cost info, she
asked, "Would it
be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the
train to  Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman
Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to
get on?"
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he
replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none
of these planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola,
Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little
computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to
Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about
the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded him that he needed a
visa.
"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and
never had to
have one of those."
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a
visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been
to China four times and
every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make
reservations, "I want
to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York."
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you
sure that's
the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.
After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry,
ma'am, I've
looked up every airport code in the country and can't
find a Rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone
knows where it
is. Check your map!"
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and
finally offered,
"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply?
"Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that
it's in!

Look around you

A very special teacher in high school many years ago had a husband who unexpectedly died suddenly of a heart attack. About a week after his death, she shared some of her insight with a classroom of students. As the late afternoon sunlight came streaming in through the classroom windows and the class was nearly over, she moved a few things aside on the edge of her desk and sat down there.   With a gentle look of reflection on her face, she paused and said, "Before class is over, I would like to share with all of you a thought that is unrelated to class, but which I feel is very important. Each of us is put here on earth to learn, share, love, appreciate and give of ourselves... and none of us knows when this fantastic experience will end. It can be taken away at any moment. Perhaps this is God's way of telling us that we must make the most out of every single day."   Her eyes beginning to water, she went on, "So I would like you all to make me a promise... from now on, on your way to school, or on your way home, find something beautiful to notice. It doesn't have to be something you see - it could be a scent - perhaps of freshly baked bread wafting out of someone's house, or it could be the sound of the breeze slightly rustling the leaves in the trees, or the way the morning light catches one autumn leaf as it falls gently to the ground. Please, look for these things, and cherish them.   For, although it may sound trite to some, these things are the "stuff" of life. The little things we are put here on earth to enjoy. The things we often take for granted. We must make it important to notice them, for at any time ... it can all be taken away."   The class was completely quiet. We all picked up our books and filed out of the room silently. That afternoon, I noticed more things on my way home from school than I had that whole semester. Every once in a while, I think of that teacher and remember what an impression she made on all of us, and I try to appreciate all of those things that sometimes we all overlook.   Take notice of something special you see on your lunch hour today. Go barefoot. Or walk on the beach at sunset. Stop off on the way home tonight to get a double dip ice cream cone. For as we get older, it is not the things we did that we often regret, but the things we didn't do. ~Author Unknown~

 

A miracle of tears

It was one of the hottest days of the dry season. We had not seen rain in almost a month. The crops were dying. Cows had stopped giving milk. The creeks and streams were long gone back into the earth. It was a dry season which would bankrupt several farmers before it was through. Every day, my husband and his brothers would go through the arduous process of trying to get water to the fields. Lately this process had involved taking a truck to the local water rendering plant and filling it up with water. But severe rationing had cut everyone off. If we didn't see some rain soon...we would lose everything. It was on this day that I learned the true lesson of sharing and witnessed the only miracle I have seen with my own eyes. I was in the kitchen making lunch for my husband and his brothers when I saw my six-year old son, Billy, walking toward the woods. He wasn't walking with the usual carefree abandon of a youth but with a serious purpose. I could only see his back. He was obviously walking with a great effort...trying to be as still as possible. Minutes after he disappeared into the woods, he came running out again, toward the house.     I went back to making sandwiches; thinking that whatever task he had been doing was completed. Moments later, however, he was once again walking in that slow purposeful stride toward the woods. This activity went on for an hour: walk carefully to the woods, run back to the house. Finally I couldn't take it any longer and I crept out of the house and followed him on his journey (being very careful not to be seen...as he was obviously doing important work and didn't need his Mommy checking up on him). He was cupping both hands in front of him as he walked; being very careful not to spill the water he held in them...maybe two or three tablespoons were held in his tiny hands.   I sneaked close as he went into the woods. Branches and thorns slapped his little face by he did not try to avoid them, He had a much higher purpose. As I leaned in to spy on him, I saw the most amazing sight. Several large deer loomed in front of him. Billy walked right up to them. I almost screamed for him to get away. A huge buck with elaborate antlers was dangerously close. But the buck did not threaten him...he didn't even move as Billy knelt down. And I saw a tiny fawn lying on the ground, obviously suffering from dehydration and heat exhaustion, lift its head with great effort to lap up the water cupped in my beautiful boy's hand.       When the water was gone, Billy jumped up to run back to the house and I hid behind a tree. I followed him back to the house to a spigot that we had shut off the water to. Billy opened it all the way up and a small trickle began to creep out. He knelt there, letting the drip, drip slowly fill up his makeshift "cup," as the sun beat down on his little back.   And it came clear to me. The trouble he had gotten into for playing with the hose the week before. The lecture he had received about the importance of not wasting water. The reason he didn't ask me to help him. It took almost twenty minutes for the drops to fill his hands. When he stood up and began the trek back, I was there in front of him. His little eyes just filled with tears. "I'm not wasting," was all he said.     As he began his walk, I joined him...with a small pot of water from the kitchen. I let him tend to the fawn. I stayed away. It was his job. I stood on the edge of the woods watching the most beautiful heart I have every known working so hard to save another life. As the tears that rolled down my face began to hit the ground, they were suddenly joined by other drops...more drops...and more. I looked up at the sky. It was as if God, himself, was weeping with pride.   Some will probable say that this was just a huge coincidence. That miracles don't really exist. That it was bound to rain sometime. And I can't argue with that...I'm not going to try. All I can say is that the rain that came that day saved our farm...just like that actions of one little boy saved another.   This is not one of those crazy chain letters...if you don't forward it to anyone, nothing bad will happen to you. If you choose to forward it, you won't receive any riches in the mail. I don't know if anyone will read this...but I had to send it out. To honor the memory of my beautiful Billy, who was taken from me much too soon... But not before showing me the true face of God, in a little sunburned body. ~Author Unknown~

Alabaster Boxes

 

Do not keep the alabaster boxes of your love and tenderness sealed up,
until your friends are dead.

 

Fill their lives with sweetness.

Speak approving, cheering words while their ears can hear them and while their hearts can be thrilled and made happier by them.

 

The kind things you mean to say when they are gone,
say them before they go.

The flowers you mean to send-use to brighten and sweeten their homes before they leave them.

 

If my friends have alabaster boxes laid away,
full of fragrant perfumes of sympathy and affection
I would rather they would bring them out in my weary
and troubled hours and open them,
that I may be refreshed
and cheered when I need them.

 

Let us learn to anoint our friends beforehand.

Post-mortem kindness do not cheer the burdened spirit.

Flowers cast no fragrance backward over the weary way.

~Author Unknown~

New Personal Secretary

A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.
"Hey, what's up with you?", he asked.
"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?"
"Neither. He's bald."

New Definitions

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of
running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,reaching
over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give
the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you
dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will
`remove' all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in
the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at
the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the
more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto
the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally
decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open
here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the
`illegal' side.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front
of a household pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting
the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're
only six inches away.

UCLA test

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No futher studies are expected. 

your husband.....

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. But the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

speak english

HELLO,
WELCOME TO THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA .
Press "1" : for English.
Press "2" : to disconnect until you have 
                  learned to speak English

$2 Bill

Do you remember the $2 bill from the 60's......I sure do.......I have one of them. I better show some to my Grandkid's don't ya think!! :<) Maybe you should too!

  

I am STILL laughing!!
I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public.

The younger generation doesn't know they exist.

STORY:
On my way home from work, I sto pped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat.

In my

billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill.
I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to
worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50
bill.

Me:
"Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go "

Server:
"That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"

Me:
"No, it's to go." At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2
bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server:
"Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.
The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server:
"Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

Manager:
"No.. A what?"

Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

Manager:
"Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."

Server:
"Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to m e and says, "We don't take these. Do you have anything
else?"

Me:
"Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

Server:
"I don't know."

Me:
"See here where it says legal tender?"

Server:
"Yeah."

Me:
"So, why won't you take it?"

Server:
"Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a
shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it."

Manager:
"Doesn't he have anything else?"

Server:
"Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change "

Manager:
"I'm not opening the safe with him in here."

Server:
"What should I do?"

Manager:
"Tell him to come back later when he has real money."

Server:
"I can't ell him that! You tell him."

Manager:
"Just tell him."

Server:
"No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me an d says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take

big
bills this time of night."

Me:
"It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."

Manager:
"We don't take those, either."

Me:
"Why not?"

Manager:
"I think you know why."

Me:
"No really, tell me why."

Manager:
"Please leave before I call mall security."

Me:
"Excuse me?"

Manager:
"Please leave before I call mall security."

Me:
"What on earth for?"

Manager:
"Please, sir."

Me:
"Uh, go ahead, call them."

Manager:
"Would you please just leave?"

Me:
"No."

Manager:
"Fine -- have it your way then."

Me:
"Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phoe
around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area,
and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minu tes later this

45-year-oldish guy Comes in.

Guard:
"Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

Manager (whispering):
"This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."

Guard:
"No kidding! What?"

Manager:
"Get this .. A two dollar bill."

Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager:
"I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a
fifty."

Guard:
"Oh, so the fifty's fake!"

Manager:
"No, the two dollar bill is."

Guard:
"Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager:
"I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"

Guard:
"Yeah."

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard:
"Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."

Me:
"Uh, no"

Guard:
"Lemme see 'em."

Me:
"Why?"

Guard:
"Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I
say "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar
bill.

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing
at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and
says, "Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager:
"It's fake."

Guard:
"It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager:
"But it's a two dollar bill."

Guard:
"Yeah?"

Manager:
"Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it
dawns on the guy that he has no clue.

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink
and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dolla bills just to see what
happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group

of people, I
could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too.


Just think...those two will be voting soon...............................

Bubba

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.  
" I've got problems.  Every time I go to bed I think
there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm
going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the
shrink.  "Come talk to me three times a week, and we
should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"


"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. 
"Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears
you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a
year is an awful lot of money!  A bartender cured me
for $10.  I was so happy to have saved all that money
that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so!  And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure
you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't
nobody under there now !!!"

Making a point

 

Take this quiz:

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are
no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel, appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you. Easier?

  The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not
the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.
Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life.

INSTALLING HUSBAND

INSTALLING HUSBAND

 

 Dear Tech Support,

 

 

 Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a

 

 distinct slow down in overall system performance --

 

 Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated

 

 flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

 

 In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,

 

 such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed

 

 undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

 

 Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes

 

 the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

 

 What can I do?

 

 Signed, Desperate

 

 ------------------------------------------------------------ -----

 

 Dear Desperate:

 

 First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While

 

 Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

 

 Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0

 

 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then

 

 automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

 

 But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0

 

 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1

 

 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

 

 Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in

 

 the background that will eventually seize control of all your system

 

 resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

 

 These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

 

 In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited

 

 memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider

 

 buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We

 

 recommend Food 3.0 and Cute Lingerie 7.7.

 

 

 

 Good Luck, Tech Support

For the men who don't know their math!

For the men who don't know their math!


I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

" Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not  bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars  that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.


According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.



Give her the finger?  I don't think so.

Men are like......

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like .Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .......Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Signs

The large office building where I work is showing signs of its advanced age.

Structural and cosmetic renovations began well over two years ago, and no end is in sight.

The chronic chaos moves unpredictably from floor to floor.

The tenants are apparently feeling the stress.

Posted in the elevator one morning was a hand-lettered sign left by the workmen: "Watch your step--floors 3, 4, and 5."

By lunchtime, someone had added, "..have been removed."

Mood Rings

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.


We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f****** red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:


Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have
certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy.
I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and I
sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to
learn that by the time you receive this letter that I
will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old
teaching assistant. I will be home before midnight.

When he arrived at the hotel, there a fax was waiting
for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you read
this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18
year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician
you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18
goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, my love, do not wait up!

The Polar Bear Blessing

              The Polar Bear Blessing           
        


Wishing you
In your busy life,

Time for Relaxation 
         

Good Sleep

         


Good Health with Exercise

         
         
Someone to Dance With

         

.. a Bit of Adventure

          
Good Looks

         

 But Most of All ...


I Wish You Lots of Bear Hugs

         


And The Comforts of Real Love

         


Many Blessings...

May you always have love to share, health to spare, and friends that care.

But watch out for those darn penguins!

         


Do you ever feel like doing this to someone?

         

Now forward this to everyone you consider "A Friend", not forgetting the person who sent it to you.

Research

          

Three Little Pigs

             The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.


"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.



The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.


"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.



The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.


"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.


"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"





You're gonna LOVE me for this....




The third piggy says -




"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Funny

NAIL IN THE FENCE

                          
                               NAIL IN THE FENCE 


Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence. 

(Most importantly the last sentence)


There once was a little boy who had a bad temper.
His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper,
he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.
Over the next few weeks,
as he learned to control his anger,
the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down.
He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.
He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.
The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence He said,
"You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence.
The fence will never be the same.
When you say things in anger,
they leave a scar just like this one.
You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry,
the wound is still there.
"A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.
Friends are very rare jewels, indeed.
They make you smile and encourage you to succeed.
They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us."
It's National Friendship Week.

Show your friends how much you care.
Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND,
even if  it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you.
If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I AM HONORED!
Now send this to every friend you have!! And to your family.
Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole. 

xxXxx

Philosophy of Sex

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy


"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin


"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen


"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner


"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns


"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant"
--George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson


" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams


"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne


"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's theproblem?"
--Dustin Hoffman


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld


"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart


"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

Male or Female

You may not know this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples:



FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.


TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.


HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.


SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.


TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.


EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

The virgin!!!

The virgin!!!

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertakerthat she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:



"RETURNED UNOPENED "

Attitude

                            Attitude


There once was a woman who woke up one morning,

Looked in the mirror,

And noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today."

So she did

And

She

Had

A

Wonderful

Day.



The next day she woke up,

Looked in the mirror

And saw that she had only two hairs on her head.

"H-M-M," she said,

"I think I'll part my hair down the middle today."

So she did

And

She

Had

A

Grand

Day.

The next day she woke up,

Looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.

"Well," she said,

"today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."

So she did

And

She

Had

A

Fun,

Fun

Day.


The next day she woke up,

Looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

"YEA!" she exclaimed,

"I don't have to fix my hair today!"


Attitude is everything.


Be kinder than necessary,

For everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply,


Love generously,


Care deeply,


Speak kindly.......


Leave the rest to God

Encouragement

May this encourage you always.


         

Don't spend
major time with
minor people. If
there are people in your life that
continually disappoint you,
break promises,
stomp on your dreams,
too judgmental,
have different values
and don't have your back during difficult times...
that is not a friend.

        

To have a friend, be a friend.
Sometimes in life
as you grow,
your friends will
either grow or
go. Surround
yourself with
people who
reflect values,
goals interests and
lifestyle. When I
think of any of
my successes, I
am thankful to
GOD from whom all
blessings flow,
and to my family and friends
that enrich my life.

         

Over the years my phone book has
changed because I changed
for the better. At
first you think
you're going to be alone,
but after a while
new people show
up in your life that make
your life so much sweeter and
easier to endure.

Remember what
your elders used
to say, "Birds of
a feather flock
together. If you're an eagle,
don't hang around chickens:
Chickens Can't Fly!

I love the Lord
and thank Him
for all that He
does in my life,
He is my source
of existence. He
keeps me functioning each
and everyday.

Without Him, I
will be nothing.

         

Without Him, I
am nothing but
with Him I can
do all things.
Phil 4:13

If you love God,
send this to five
people and the
person that sent it to you!!!!!!
Be Positive -
Be Progressive -
Take the time to
make a positive
difference in
someone's life.
Walk by faith

Not by sight

Receive God's
blessings With all
my Love,

One of God's
Children to
Another

         



< and here goes>

Physical Exam

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left,still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit. She even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

Little Tony

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that Called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds, and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you

Where do pets come from?

Where do pets come from?


A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail..

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a sh** one way or the other.

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do You know what happens?

         

                         Do you know..

                        what happens...

                              at..

                           night...

                              on...

                             your....

                            desk....

                           after....

                          having...

                     shut down........
                           the.....
                     computer......

                             ?

                             ?

                             ? 


         


                       Wash your hands!!!

Your Parrot Died!

Your Parrot Died!

At dawn the telephone rings: "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor,that's the one."

"Darn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!?"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

" WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."


SILENCE................... LONG SILENCE................................


"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh**!"

PARTY AT THE SENIOR CENTER

Last night we went to a party at our local senior center. The last Saturday of every month they have an evening potluck supper. We usually eat, play bingo, reminisce, and drink a little wine and talk about the good ole days....


We heard Selma Martin's grandson is staying with her for a few weeks. It's rumored he got in a scrap over some marijuana with the law out in Phoenix and he came to Denton to avoid the heat. Anyway, Selma is known for her delicious Brownies and she always bakes up a quadruple batch for each get-together. She makes enough for everyone and some for folks to take one home for later. For some reason they were extra good this week and every last one of them was eaten. Not a one left over. We later found out that Selma's grandson, Butch, laced the brownies with some of his marijuana.


Knowing this, I guess it offers a logical reason for everyone feeling good that night. By the time Zeke put on the bunny hop record, everyone was in a real good mood and it was the first time the whole place got up and danced..............


That is until the cops came to check all the noise complaints.


Well, that's another story.....................



(photo of a bunch of senior citizens doing the bunny hop while naked has not been posted because owner of this journal did not want you to get sick viewing said photo. :) )


WELL.........???? YOU PUT YOUR LEFT FOOT IN AND YOUR ..?? WELL??? YOU KNOW THE REST....................



Life's too Short.. Dance like No One is Watching You!

Dear Kotex

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my panty-liner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:

*Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
*Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
*Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you fresh.
*Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-darn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Staying active will relieve headach es & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me are eating..sleeping..bitching or crying for no apparent reason.. ...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity?????

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbiturates.

Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.

It's not a fun time, so DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging.

Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your a**!

Sincerely,

Jane Doe

P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead?


added by me: have you seen the commerical that tells you to "have a happy period"

Know Everything?

                      KNOW EVERYTHING?

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say . a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is)

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. Talk about being fuel inefficient .

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. This would have been cool to see.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know everything!

I'm Next

         



         

Home Schooling

The kids start the day with Mom supervising breakfast.

         

Then off to school they go. Everyone has an assigned seat in the classroom. 

         

After resting up, they're ready for some fun.
Where's Waldo is their favorite game. 

         

Before you know it, everyone is tired out. 

         


Health Class

         

Computers

         

Sewing lessons

         

P.E. 

          

         

Discipline 

         

Art

         
         


Swimming Lessons

         

Now send to everyone that needs to smile today!!

It is bad to suppress laughter because it goes back down and spreads your hips!

Medical Test

          Stare into the cat's eyes for
          10 seconds.........


          


          Now stare at the puppies.........

         

          Your CAT SCAN and LAB tests
           are now complete


         

          That will be $1500 please

Hug Certificate

         
LET'S SEE WHO READS
THEIR EMAIL

A Hug Certificate for You!

This poem is very sweet. It will be interesting to see who sends it back. Forward this on and back. Thanks!

          
If I could catch a rainbow
I would do it just for you
and share with you its beauty
On the days you're feeling blue.

         
If I could build a mountain
You could call your very own;
A place to find serenity,
A place to be alone.

         
If I could take your troubles
I would toss them in the sea,
But all these things I'm finding
are impossible for me.        

I cannot build a mountain
Or catch a rainbow fair,
But let me be what I know best,
A friend who's always there.

         
This is a Hug Certificate!!

         
Send One to All Your Friends Who You Think Deserve A Hug
(Which, Hopefully Includes the Person Who Sent It to You).

         
You might send it to your enemies as well!
It'll really tic 'em off!

If you receive this back 2 times ... You're off to a good start,
unless you sent it to yourself. That's cheating!

         
If you receive this back 3 times. You're a good friend.


          
If you receive this back 4 times
.... You are popular I wanna be just like you.

If you receive this back 5 times or more, there are angels watching over you....

CLEANING HOUSE FOR 2007

CLEANING HOUSE FOR 2007

Last Week I threw out Worrying, it was getting old and in the way.

It kept me from being me; I couldn't do things God's way.

I threw out a book on MY PAST
(Didn't have time to read it anyway).

Replaced it with NEW GOALS, started reading it today.

I threw out hate and bad memories,
(Remember how I treasured them so)?

Got me a NEW PHILOSOPHY too, threw out the one from long ago.

Brought in some new books too, called I CAN, I WILL, AND I MUST.

Threw out I might, I think and I ought.
WOW, you should've seen the dust.

I ran across an OLD FRIEND, I hadn't talked to in a while.

His name is GOD the Father, and I really like His style.

He helped me to do some cleaning and added some things Himself.

Like PRAYER, HOPE, FAITH and LOVE,
Yes I placed them right on the shelf.

I picked up this special thing and placed it at the front door.

I FOUND IT- its called PEACE. Nothing gets me down anymore.

Yes, I've got my house looking nice.

Looks good around the place.

For things like Worry and Trouble there just isn't any space.

It's good to do a little house cleaning,
Get rid of the things on the shelf.

It sure makes things brighter; maybe you should TRY IT YOURSELF.

BE BLESSED AND BE A BLESSING TO SOMEONE ELSE!!!!

May the Lord open the windows of heaven and pour you out a blessing that you will not have room enough to receive it all.
Malachi 3:10.

May the Lord bless you exceedingly abundantly above all you could ever hope for.
Philippians 4:19.

Take 60 seconds & Bless some one!

Old Age

         

Baby in a tree

If you can't see the baby in the picture, don't give up. It's really cool when it actually appears.

This is not a joke and ~ NO ~ Nothing is going to jump out at you!


         


You have to have an open mind.

Don't look for a Baby, and you will see the Baby! Once you see it you won't see anything else!!!

This is so cool. Do you see the baby?

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

Pregnancy Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you

. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Hair Cut

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

Taxicab Confessions...

Taxicab Confessions...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.

"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

The New Store

THE NEW STORE

The new Dillons Supermarkets have an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder & the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing & smell the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck & cackle & the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon & eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Joke.. cute...lololol

              


A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

Leather

         







                                        



          SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK!!!!

What snowmen do when no one is looking