Friday, September 19, 2008

How's your day going?


First you had trouble getting out of bed



You had a stiff neck

You washed your hair and couldn't do a thing with it

You felt like you had a hangover and you weren't even drinking last night

 

Your new diet really doesn't seem to be working out

You pulled a muscle when you tried to exercise

 

 

Your new hat looked better on you at the store

You keep losing things

 

 

You got caught in the rain at lunchtime

 

Then the lunch you had didn't seem to agree with you

You feel trapped

Uninvited guests showed up at dinnertime

 

On top of that you think you're coming down with the flu

 

And finally, you're alone in the house at night when you think you hear a noise in the basement

 

MAYBE TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER!!
                                     


Thought for the Day


Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or play with it,
Just pee
on it and walk away.


 

Things you don't hear anymore....

Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're going to have company after while.
 
Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Aunt Mary in the mail today.
 
Quit slamming the screen door when you are on your way out!
 
Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up.
 
 
Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
 
Wash your feet before you go to bed, they are nasty from playing outside all day barefooted.
 
 
Why can't you remember to roll up your pant legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.
 
You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.
 
 
Don't you go outside with your good school clothes on!
 
Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
 
Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.
 
Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.
 
 
Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it.
 
Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!
 
Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.
 
You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.
 
 
There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.
 
Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.
 
 
You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise.
 
Don't sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.
 
 
If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!
 
Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after awhile.
 
 
Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.
 
Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!
 
Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark.
 
 
Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.
 
Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes.
 
Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.
 
 
No! I don't have nine cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?
 
Eat those vegetables, they'll make you big and strong like your daddy.
 
That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs just don't come in the house.
 
 
Sit still! I'm trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all botched up.
 
Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that! I'll wash your mouth out with soap!
 
It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.
 
If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you'll get another one when you get home.
 
 
Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!
 
Soak your foot in this pan of coal oil so that bad cut won't get infected.
 
When you take your driving test, don't forget to signal each turn. Left arm straight out the window for a left turn; left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn; and straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop.
 
 
It is: "Yes Ma'am!" and "No Ma'am!" to me, young man, and don't you forget it!

Breaking News!!!

::: BREAKING NEWS :::
In 2009 the government will start killing
all the mentally ill people.
I started crying when I thought of you.
Run little friend, run!
 
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are
obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are
co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.


If you have
multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are
paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are
delusional, press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are
schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are
manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are
dyslexic
, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are
bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.

If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have
low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are
menopausal, put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If
you are blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.

This coming week is
National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering
to contact at least
one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done . Your turn!!)

WOW, sounds like a darn nice guy

WOW, sounds like a darn nice guy.............

 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.


Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward th e man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 



'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
 


'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
 


They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. 



After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. 



The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
 
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
 



'No,' she replies. . . 













Wait for it. . 





















It's coming. . 














The suspense is killing you, isn't it? 












She says
:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'
 


(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Ramblings of a retired mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I
can't afford one.
So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'
Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.'
I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor!'

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

I have a question

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

 

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they  just stale bread to begin with? 

 

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?  

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 

Why is person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

 

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

 

 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?

 

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

 

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of  bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

 Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

 

Best PMS Question Ever

 

Q:  
How many women with PMS does it take to change a light
bulb?
 

Woman's  Answer:  
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They
don't even know that  the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before  they figured it out.
And,  once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!*  light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the  past 17 YEARS! But  if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the  chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would  STILL  BE  IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE  FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BE CAUSE NO ONE EVER
PICKS  UP OR CARRIES
OUT
   THE   GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED  FROM  THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE  HOUSE!!
 
IT  WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND  
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE  TOILET PAPER ROLL !!  

I'm  sorry. What was the question?