Computer Dependency

Computer Dependency

This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female?

To find the answer, look down...
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Not here, dummy!

Naked Man outside my window

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.

"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

Bumper Stickers (not to be taken seriously)

 

Some new bumper stickers
seen recently.

  Some people are only alive
because it is illegal to shoot them

I used to have a handle on life,
but it broke.

WANTED:
Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER:
It's not just
for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...
Isn't that cute.

I need someone real bad...   
Are you real bad?

BEAUTY is in the eye
of the beer holder.

All men are idiots...
and I married their king.

The more you complain,
the longer God makes you live.

I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice):
We've got what it takes
to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. 
Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch
for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...
Back in five minutes.

As long as there are tests,
there will be prayer
in public schools.

Hang up and drive.

I want to die peacefully
n my sleep like my grandfather...
Not screaming and yelling
like the passengers in his car.

NEBRASKA:
At least the cows are sane.

God must love stupid people...
He made SO many.

I said "NO" to drugs,
but they didn't listen.

Your kid may be an Honor Student,
but YOU'RE still an idiot.

Smile, it's the second best thing
you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test
and the results were negative.

Where there's a will...
I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top,
but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive...
You might hit a bump
and spill your drink.

Consciousness:
That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think,
and forget to start again?

Always remember you're unique...
Just like everyone else.

HONK
If You Want To See My Finger

Who lit the fuse
on your tampon?

God is my co-pilot,
but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill.
I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a bitch.
Men like you made me this way.

Keep honking while I reload.

Taxation WITH representation
isn't sohot, either!

Who were the testers
for Preparations A through G?

Madness takes its toll.
Please have exact change.

5 days a week my body is a temple.
The other two,
it's an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST!
We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

If you drink, don't park.
Accidents cause people.

If you can read this
I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales!
Trade them for valuable prizes.

Whitewater is over
when the First Lady sings.

Jack Kevorkian
for White House physician.

My wife keeps complaining
I never listen to her ...
or something like that.

Sure you can trust the government!
Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. 
Never drink and derive.

If we are what we eat,
I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Stop repeat offenders. 
Don't re-elect them

Diet

 

I have a Labrador retriever.

I was  buying a large bag of Pedigree at Tesco

and was in line to check out.

 

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog.(Duh!)

 

On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Pedigree Diet again,

although I probably shouldn't,

because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time,

but I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward

with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet

and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets

with Pedigree pellets and simply eat one or two

every time you feel hungry.

 

The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line

was now enthralled with my story,

particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care

because the dog Food had poisoned me?.

 

I told her no, that

I'd been sitting in the middle of the street

licking my balls when a car hit me.

 

I thought the guy standing behind her

was going to need help as he fell on the floor laughing.

 

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

 

 

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

1.	Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2.	Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3.	Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4.	Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5.	The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6.	If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7.	The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8.	The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9.	A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10.	When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Show Him your card

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a
farm and talked with the old farmer; "I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."
The Agriculture representative said in a "wise" tone, "I have
the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card, I am
allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, the farmer  heard loud screams and saw the Department of
Agriculture rep running for  the fence; close behind was the farmer's
prize bull. The bull was  madder than a nest full of hornets, and the
bull was gaining at every step.
"Help," the rep shouted to the farmer, "what should I do?" he
screamed helplessly.
The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out:
"Show him your card!"

On Earth

On Earth as it is in Heaven
One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living
creatures on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to
heaven. God came and said, "I want the men to form two lines.
One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the
other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I
want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done,
the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were
two lines. The line of men who were ruled by their women was
1,000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women,
there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men
should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image
and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one
of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in
this line?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to
stand here."

This is a bit creepy

This is creepy!
Think of a letter between A and W.
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Keep going . . .
Don't stop .. ..

Think of an
Animal that begins
with that letter.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name.

Almost there........

Now count out the letters in that name
on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

Take the hand you
FIRST counted with
and hold it out in front of you at face level
.

Look at your palm
very closely and notice the lines in your hand.

Do the lines take the
form of the first letter in the persons name?!
.

Of course not......

Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack yourself in the head, get back to WORK , and quit playing stupid
e-mail games!

Car Keys

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.

When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.

She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.

She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a professional!"

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

 Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" The guy said "No" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny and was never farted on.

 

The End.

Bad Joke. LOL

 HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING PASSENGERS
 If you are on a plane or train and a nearby passenger is intolerably 
irritating, follow these instructions:
 1.         Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

 2.         Remove your laptop.

 3.         Start up

 4.         Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

 5.         Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

 6.         Then hit this link

Click here: http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf

 

 

Onestone

 There once was a Native American Indian whose given name was "Onestone".
So named because, he had only one testicle.  He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

 

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

 

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.  He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

 

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

 

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

 

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.  She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

 

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

 

What is the moral of this story?????

 

 

 

 

 

 

OH, come on...take a guess!  Think about it...

 

 

 

 

 

 

You're going to love this!)

 

 

 

 

 

And the moral is:

 

 

 

 

 

You can't kill two birds with one stone!