Diet

 

I have a Labrador retriever.

I was  buying a large bag of Pedigree at Tesco

and was in line to check out.

 

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog.(Duh!)

 

On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Pedigree Diet again,

although I probably shouldn't,

because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time,

but I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward

with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet

and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets

with Pedigree pellets and simply eat one or two

every time you feel hungry.

 

The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line

was now enthralled with my story,

particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care

because the dog Food had poisoned me?.

 

I told her no, that

I'd been sitting in the middle of the street

licking my balls when a car hit me.

 

I thought the guy standing behind her

was going to need help as he fell on the floor laughing.