SILK PAJAMAS

 
SILK PAJAMAS
 
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to fly
to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.  We'll
be
gone for a long weekend.  This is a good opportunity for me to get
that
promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for
a 3 day weekend....and also get out my rod and tackle box from the
attic?  We're leaving at 4:30pm from the office and I will swing by
the
house to pick my things up."
 
"Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."  The wife thinks
this sounds a bit fishy, but  being the good wife, she does exactly
what
her husband asked.
 
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but otherwise
looking good.  The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many
fish?
 
He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass and a few Pike.  But why
didn't you pack my new blue  silk pajamas like I asked you to do?
 
You'll love the answer...
*
*
*
*
*
The wife replies, " I did, they're in your tackle box.

Computer Dependency

Computer Dependency

This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female?

To find the answer, look down...
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Not here, dummy!

Naked Man outside my window

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.

"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

Bumper Stickers (not to be taken seriously)

 

Some new bumper stickers
seen recently.

  Some people are only alive
because it is illegal to shoot them

I used to have a handle on life,
but it broke.

WANTED:
Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER:
It's not just
for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...
Isn't that cute.

I need someone real bad...   
Are you real bad?

BEAUTY is in the eye
of the beer holder.

All men are idiots...
and I married their king.

The more you complain,
the longer God makes you live.

I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice):
We've got what it takes
to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. 
Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch
for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...
Back in five minutes.

As long as there are tests,
there will be prayer
in public schools.

Hang up and drive.

I want to die peacefully
n my sleep like my grandfather...
Not screaming and yelling
like the passengers in his car.

NEBRASKA:
At least the cows are sane.

God must love stupid people...
He made SO many.

I said "NO" to drugs,
but they didn't listen.

Your kid may be an Honor Student,
but YOU'RE still an idiot.

Smile, it's the second best thing
you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test
and the results were negative.

Where there's a will...
I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top,
but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive...
You might hit a bump
and spill your drink.

Consciousness:
That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think,
and forget to start again?

Always remember you're unique...
Just like everyone else.

HONK
If You Want To See My Finger

Who lit the fuse
on your tampon?

God is my co-pilot,
but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill.
I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a bitch.
Men like you made me this way.

Keep honking while I reload.

Taxation WITH representation
isn't sohot, either!

Who were the testers
for Preparations A through G?

Madness takes its toll.
Please have exact change.

5 days a week my body is a temple.
The other two,
it's an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST!
We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

If you drink, don't park.
Accidents cause people.

If you can read this
I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales!
Trade them for valuable prizes.

Whitewater is over
when the First Lady sings.

Jack Kevorkian
for White House physician.

My wife keeps complaining
I never listen to her ...
or something like that.

Sure you can trust the government!
Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. 
Never drink and derive.

If we are what we eat,
I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Stop repeat offenders. 
Don't re-elect them

Diet

 

I have a Labrador retriever.

I was  buying a large bag of Pedigree at Tesco

and was in line to check out.

 

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog.(Duh!)

 

On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Pedigree Diet again,

although I probably shouldn't,

because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time,

but I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward

with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet

and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets

with Pedigree pellets and simply eat one or two

every time you feel hungry.

 

The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line

was now enthralled with my story,

particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care

because the dog Food had poisoned me?.

 

I told her no, that

I'd been sitting in the middle of the street

licking my balls when a car hit me.

 

I thought the guy standing behind her

was going to need help as he fell on the floor laughing.

 

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

 

 

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

1.	Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2.	Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3.	Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4.	Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5.	The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6.	If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7.	The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8.	The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9.	A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10.	When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Show Him your card

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a
farm and talked with the old farmer; "I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."
The Agriculture representative said in a "wise" tone, "I have
the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card, I am
allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, the farmer  heard loud screams and saw the Department of
Agriculture rep running for  the fence; close behind was the farmer's
prize bull. The bull was  madder than a nest full of hornets, and the
bull was gaining at every step.
"Help," the rep shouted to the farmer, "what should I do?" he
screamed helplessly.
The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out:
"Show him your card!"

On Earth

On Earth as it is in Heaven
One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living
creatures on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to
heaven. God came and said, "I want the men to form two lines.
One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the
other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I
want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done,
the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were
two lines. The line of men who were ruled by their women was
1,000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women,
there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men
should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image
and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one
of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in
this line?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to
stand here."

This is a bit creepy

This is creepy!
Think of a letter between A and W.
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Keep going . . .
Don't stop .. ..

Think of an
Animal that begins
with that letter.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name.

Almost there........

Now count out the letters in that name
on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

Take the hand you
FIRST counted with
and hold it out in front of you at face level
.

Look at your palm
very closely and notice the lines in your hand.

Do the lines take the
form of the first letter in the persons name?!
.

Of course not......

Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack yourself in the head, get back to WORK , and quit playing stupid
e-mail games!

Car Keys

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.

When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.

She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.

She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a professional!"

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

 Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" The guy said "No" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny and was never farted on.

 

The End.

Bad Joke. LOL

 HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING PASSENGERS
 If you are on a plane or train and a nearby passenger is intolerably 
irritating, follow these instructions:
 1.         Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

 2.         Remove your laptop.

 3.         Start up

 4.         Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

 5.         Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

 6.         Then hit this link

Click here: http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf

 

 

Onestone

 There once was a Native American Indian whose given name was "Onestone".
So named because, he had only one testicle.  He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

 

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

 

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.  He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

 

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

 

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

 

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.  She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

 

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

 

What is the moral of this story?????

 

 

 

 

 

 

OH, come on...take a guess!  Think about it...

 

 

 

 

 

 

You're going to love this!)

 

 

 

 

 

And the moral is:

 

 

 

 

 

You can't kill two birds with one stone!

Rules of the South

A man just moved from Southern California to North Carolina and he e-mailed this back to his family. He said they gave it to him at the state line. If you are going to live or visit in the South, you need to know these rules:



1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did MORE work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.



2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.


3. The red dirt as it's called is clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks and it'll be permanent.



4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.



5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for as bait.



6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.


7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards (ducks) are making their final approach, we will shoot it (the phone). You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.



8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.



9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is really, really sweet. You want it hot then sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened then add a LOT of water.


10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.


11. So, you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine (it's farm equipment) that we only use two weeks a year.



12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.



13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.



14. We don't do "hurry up" well.



15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.



16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim) and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.


17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like (money). Get it how pig farms are income like money? Get over it. Don't like the smell? Interstate 95 goes two ways. Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.



18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat so go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.



19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or turkey season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.


20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?



21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators...and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.



22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.



23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.



24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature  all four of them enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.



25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up there, why not stay there?



26. And no, down here we don't have an accent, you do.



In God We Trust.




YA'LL COME BACK! y'heah.

 

Too Funny

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
 
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.  She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.  The man seemed more amused.  When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
 
The case came up in court.
 
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
 
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.  She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.  Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.  But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
 
"CASE DISMISSED!!"

 

***this is not a true story as I found out by checking snopes.com here's the link: Urban Legends Reference Pages: Ridden to Distraction  I put it here though because it is just too funny and you can easily picture it happen.  LOL

A little math equation for a Godly day

Here is a math thing that those of you that like math will enjoy. Neat!!!

From a strictly Mathematical Viewpoint:

What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been
in situations where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving
101%? What equals 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
Questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 1 9 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

AND, look how far the love of God will take you

L- O- V- E-O-F-G-O-D

12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you
there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top! Please send this
to your friends and pray for him/her. You will be blessed.
                          Have Great and Godly Day.

Big Texan

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya' see! , I'm from Texas and I Want to buy a complete city outfit."

 

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

 

"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"

 

"Yes, sir. What size?"

 

"Size 53 tall, ma'am."

 

"Wow, that's really big."

 

"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

 

"What's next?" she asked.

 

He replied, "How about some shoes?"

 

"What size?"

 

"Size 15 double E."

 

"Wow, that's really big!

 

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

 

"What's next?"

 

"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

 

"Yes, sir. What size?"

 

"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.

 

"Wow, that's really big!"

 

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas." "Will there be anything else?" she asked.

 

Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat." "Yes, sir. What size? And style?"

 

"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."

 

"Wow, that's really big!"

 

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

 

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for You?"

 

No ma'am, I reckon that will be all."

 

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted Out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

 

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

 

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

 

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied.............

 

(You're going to love this one!)

 

(ALL the guys will be using this line.......)

 

"From the floor ma'am.................from the floor."

A Barbie Joke

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much
is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

The assistant replies, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for
$25.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $25.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for
$25.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $25.95, and Divorced Barbie for
$495.00"

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?

"That's obvious," the assistant says, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's
house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

How NOT to be a millionaire!

NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing "the absolute worst use of lifelines ever." <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:

"Which of the following is the largest?"
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.

"Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie," said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. "I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be."

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

"Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!" exclaimed Evans. "Darn. I think I better phone a friend."

Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

"Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!" said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. "Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun."

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

"Come on Betsy, are you sure?" said Evans. "How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it."

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'

"I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience," said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

"Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking," said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. "But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer."
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

 

update:  this story is not true.  just read about it on snopes.com.  but it is funny so that is why I am leaving it here, we all need a good laugh every now and again.

How to stay young

HOW TO STAY YOUNG   1. Try everything twice. On Madam's tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times! 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches) 3. Keep learning:  Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's! 4. Enjoy the simple things. ! 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER. 6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.  LIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county,  to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. 11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance. And if you don't send this to at least 4 people - who cares? But do share this with someone . <FONTFACE=TAHOMA size="2" color="black"> Lost time can never be found! "Live Simply, Love Generously, Care Deeply, Speak Kindly, Leave The Rest To God"

Famous Last Words

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

I LOVE THIS NEXT ONE!

My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering And take without forgetting.

The irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way Around, you're not going anywhere. >

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think Of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder to find one.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us....go ahead and delete this. 

A woman's prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

What Teachers make

What Teachers Make/Must Read

Perhaps this will cause all of us to look at those who choose the
teaching profession in a different light...
 
What Teachers Make
The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.
 
One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He 
argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his
best

 option in life was to become a teacher?"
 
He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: 
"Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."
 
To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, 
Bonnie.  Be honest. What do you make?"
 
Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You 
want to know what I make? (She paused for a second, then began...) 
"Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I 
make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor. I make kids sit 
through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them 
sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental...
 
"You want to know what I make?" (She paused again and looked at each 
and  every person at the table.)
 I make kids wonder.
 I make them question.
 I make them criticize.
 I make them apologize and mean it.
 I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions. I 
teach them to write and then I make them write. I make them read, 
read, read. I make them show all their work in math.
 
I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to 
know in English while preserving their unique cultural identity.
 
I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe. I make
my

students stand to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, because
we

 live in the United States of America.
 
Finally, I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were 
given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life.
 
(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.)
 "Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, I can hold my head 
up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant... You want to 
know what I make?
 
"I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.  What do you make?"
 
THIS IS WORTH SENDING TO EVERY TEACHER YOU KNOW.
 (And everyone on your mailing list, for that matter).
 
THERE IS MUCH TRUTH IN THIS STATEMENT:  "Teachers make every other 
profession"

top ten most polite ways to say your zipper is down

Top Ten most  Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down ....by  David  Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in  the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your  tray table to the upright and  locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging  Mr. Johnson..

6.  Elvis is leaving the building.

5.  The Buick is not all the way in the  garage.

4.  Our next  guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3.  You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2.  Men may  be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.


And  the   #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....


1.  I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts!

Lessons on Life

 

Lessons on Life



There once was an Indian Chief who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn that they should not judge things too quickly. So he sent them each, in turn, on a quest to go and look at an apple tree that was some distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall.

When they had each gone to the apple tree and returned, he called them together to describe what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree he saw was ugly, bent, and twisted.

The second son said the tree he saw was covered with green buds, and full of promise.

The third son said the tree he saw was laden with blossoms, that smelled sweet and looked beautiful, it was the most magnificant thing he had ever seen.

The last son said the tree he saw was drooping with ripe fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The Chief then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life.

He told them that you should not judge a tree, or a person, by just one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love, that come from life, can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are complete.

If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, the fulfillment of your fall.

The Truth about cats and dogs

What is a Cat?
  
Cats do what they want.

They rarely listen to you.

They are totally unpredictable.

They whine when they are not happy.

When you want to play, they want to be alone.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They expect you to cater to their every whim.


They are moody.

They leave hair everywhere.

They drive you nuts and cost you money.

Conclusion:  They are tiny little women in fur coats.
 


What is a Dog?



  Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.

They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

They growl when they are not happy.

When you want to play, they want to play.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They are great at begging.
  
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

They can never have enough toys
and they leave them everywhere.

They do disgusting things with their mouths
and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion:  They are tiny little men in fur coats.

19 Things to Remember

1.      The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don ' t have a sense of humor, you probably don ' t have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you ' re in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and you ' ll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.   It could be a right number.

13. Think about this..., No one ever says "It ' s only a game." when his team is winning.

14. I ' ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There ' s no way you ' re going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we ' ll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos?   (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can ' t buy happiness -- but somehow it ' s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than in a Ford.

19. After a certain age, if you don ' t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Count every " F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)

HOW MANY ?
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.

The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF". 
                      
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius. 
                      

Threee is normal, four is quite rare.

Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy.!
And keep them occupied
For several minutes..!

One Flaw In Women

One Flaw In Women 
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.  

They bring joy, hope and love.
They have the compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give. 
 

 HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
 
Please pass this along to all your women friends  

 and relatives to remind them just how amazing they are.

Why our country is in trouble

Why our country is in trouble!

A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some
examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an
aisle seat so  that her hair wouldn't get messed up by
being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who
wanted to go to
Capetown. I started to Explain the length of the
flight and the passport information, then she
interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look
stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly
explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is
in Africa."Her response -
click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about
a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with
the vacation in
Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando
is in the middle of the state.
He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and
Florida is a very thin state!" (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is
it possible
to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said,
"But they look
so close on the map." (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked
if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the
reservation, I noticed
he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he
said, "I heard
Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to
drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She
needed to know how it was possible that her flight
from Detroit left at8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33
am.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of
Illinois, but she
couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she
bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines
put your
physical description on your bag so they know whose
luggage
belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a
tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm
overweight. I think
that's very rude!"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked
into it (I
was laughing). I came back and explained the city
code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal),
and the airline was just putting a destination tag on
her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip
package to
Hawaii. After going over ! all the cost info, she
asked, "Would it
be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the
train to  Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman
Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to
get on?"
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he
replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none
of these planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola,
Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little
computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to
Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about
the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded him that he needed a
visa.
"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and
never had to
have one of those."
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a
visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been
to China four times and
every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make
reservations, "I want
to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York."
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you
sure that's
the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.
After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry,
ma'am, I've
looked up every airport code in the country and can't
find a Rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone
knows where it
is. Check your map!"
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and
finally offered,
"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply?
"Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that
it's in!

Look around you

A very special teacher in high school many years ago had a husband who unexpectedly died suddenly of a heart attack. About a week after his death, she shared some of her insight with a classroom of students. As the late afternoon sunlight came streaming in through the classroom windows and the class was nearly over, she moved a few things aside on the edge of her desk and sat down there.   With a gentle look of reflection on her face, she paused and said, "Before class is over, I would like to share with all of you a thought that is unrelated to class, but which I feel is very important. Each of us is put here on earth to learn, share, love, appreciate and give of ourselves... and none of us knows when this fantastic experience will end. It can be taken away at any moment. Perhaps this is God's way of telling us that we must make the most out of every single day."   Her eyes beginning to water, she went on, "So I would like you all to make me a promise... from now on, on your way to school, or on your way home, find something beautiful to notice. It doesn't have to be something you see - it could be a scent - perhaps of freshly baked bread wafting out of someone's house, or it could be the sound of the breeze slightly rustling the leaves in the trees, or the way the morning light catches one autumn leaf as it falls gently to the ground. Please, look for these things, and cherish them.   For, although it may sound trite to some, these things are the "stuff" of life. The little things we are put here on earth to enjoy. The things we often take for granted. We must make it important to notice them, for at any time ... it can all be taken away."   The class was completely quiet. We all picked up our books and filed out of the room silently. That afternoon, I noticed more things on my way home from school than I had that whole semester. Every once in a while, I think of that teacher and remember what an impression she made on all of us, and I try to appreciate all of those things that sometimes we all overlook.   Take notice of something special you see on your lunch hour today. Go barefoot. Or walk on the beach at sunset. Stop off on the way home tonight to get a double dip ice cream cone. For as we get older, it is not the things we did that we often regret, but the things we didn't do. ~Author Unknown~