Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

BARACK OBAMA : The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change ! The chicken wanted change !

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON : When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely  qualified to ensure right  from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then,
this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road
to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on t his si de of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty ! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent,   hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.   

ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY   FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out  this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.'   That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for  t he first time, the heart warming story of  how it  experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to  accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
 
ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.   Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008.   This new platform is much more stable and will never
reboot.  

ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one?

What retired people do

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, bourbon, and martinis into urine. And, we're pretty darn good at it too!!

It's FREE!!!! gotta love free

http://www.google.com/goog411/

Senior personal ads

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4"
(used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and
am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting,
shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing
aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated
flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro
on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy
chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my
eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can
remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many
new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition,
but walks well.

Newspaper Headlines

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter  This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.   Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says       No, really? Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers        Now that's taking things a bit far! Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over        What a guy!   Miners Refuse to Work after Death          No-good-for- nothing' lazy so-and-so's! Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.      See if that works any better than a fair trial! War Dims Hope for Peace         I can see where it might have that effect! If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile          Ya think?! Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures           Who would have thought!   Enfield (  London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide            They may be on to something! Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges         You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?! Oklahoma's construction program!  Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge         He probably IS the battery charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group         Weren't they fat enough?! Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft          That's what he gets for eating those beans! Kids Make Nutritious Snacks         Do they taste like chicken? Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half        Chainsaw Massacre all over again! Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors             Boy, are they tall! And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead            Did I read that right? Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!

 

Potatoes

Potatoes



Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting 
half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class YukonGolds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

Areyou ready for this?


Are you sure?

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OK! Here it is!

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A COMMONTATER

Just when you feel really sorry for yourself.......

.......someone sends a link to check out.........another religious one?.......sort of but not really.......check it out.....this guy has such a great attitude about life......

Nick's testmoney - ritahsiaVideo List